Queer Eye for the SG-1
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Queer Eye for the SG-1
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KYAN, TED, CARSON and TEAL’C run to the Fabmobile and hop in.
EXT. ARMANI EXCHANGE - DAY
TEAL’C is wearing a baseball cap and a safety orange tank top (probably given to him by O’NEILL). CARSON has a blue and white striped Oxford shirt on, sleeves perfectly zhuzhed, and his sunglasses are pushed up on top of his head.
CARSON
(Patting TEAL’C’s arm.)
I get first dibs.
(Pausing, squeezes TEALC’s arm.)
Oooo, Murray, you work out.
TEAL’C
It is important to maintain a rigorous physical regimen in order to perform my duties properly.
CARSON
That’s why I do ten laps around the mall every day.
(Leads TEAL’C through the store)
Now, looking through your closet, it’s apparent that you aren’t afraid of color, but - well, you know what’s different about shopping here?
TEAL’C
It is significantly more expensive.
CARSON
EXACTLY. But clothes aren’t just made to cover your body. They’re also designed to accentuate your assets, and express your personality.
(Pulls out a blue-and white patterned shirt.)
For example, someone seeing you in a shirt like this would never imagine that you have no sense of humor.
TEAL’C
Among my people, I am known as having a tremendous sense of humor.
CARSON
When you were a little kid, you were the class cut-up?
TEAL’C
We did not learn to cut people up until we were somewhat older, Carson.
CARSON
(Stares at TEAL’C for a moment. Mutters:)
Talk about a straight man.
CARSON turns to rack, which has an assortment of clothes.
CARSON
Now, when you pick out clothes, you’re deciding what you want other people to think of you. When you wear your uniform, you’re sending out a message…
He turns around, holding a pair of cream khaki pants and a deep red knit V-neck shirt.
CARSON
And that message is…scary and intimidating. It seems like you want to be more approachable after work.
TEAL’C
I wish to be unobtrusive, yet welcoming.
CARSON
(looking TEAL’C over)
Unobtrusive, huh?
(Aside)
Straight people are so weird!
Montage: TEAL’C proceeds to model several different outfits. There are several knit shirts that cling and show off his muscles, all in deep jewel tones, sometimes worn with casual slacks, sometimes with jeans. There’s one muscle shirt, in white, with a funky arty silkscreen. There’s one brightly patterned oxford shirt, well-fitted, tossed on over a knit shirt and tucked in the front of his pants (but not the back). There’s a black blazer in a trendy single-breasted cut. Coordinated with all of these are a series of hats that match the outfits; with the blazer he has a fedora, with the muscle shirt a knit cap.
EXT. ARMANI EXCHANGE - DAY
CARSON and TEAL’C leave the store. THOM is waiting outside.
CARSON
Now, Thom is gonna take you out and make your place more of a home and less of a foxhole.
EXT. RECREATION FURNITURE - DAY
TEAL’C and THOM are jogging into a furniture store. THOM opens the door for TEAL’C and looks for a moment as though he might pass out from exhaustion. Close up on the store’s sign: Recreation Furniture.
THOM
(Breathing heavily)
You’re in pretty good shape, big fella.
(beat)
When we talked, you said you wanted to go for something a little more eclectic, a little more Middle Eastern feeling, and that’s something local boutique furniture stores do better than the big chains. Reincarnation Furniture has a lot of great pieces that will give you a unique flavor without being overwhelming.
They walk through the store. THOM gestures at a reproduction of a carving of Osiris.
THOM
Now, what do you think about this statue of…
(beat)
…an Egyptian god?
TEAL’C
(Abruptly and forcefully)
He is Osiris. And I do not like that particular idol, Thom.
THOM
Too big?
TEAL’C
(Speaking carefully)
I prefer images of Egyptian life to those of Egyptian deities.
THOM
See, preferences like that are a great guide to help you decorate your apartment, so you don’t get lost in a place like this. Let’s take a look at a few other things.
Montage: TEAL’C sits on several beds, looks at tables and lamps as THOM questions him. TEAL’C seems to be expressing some specifics about what he does and does not like.
THOM
Okay, I’m going to hand you off to Kyan.
INT. A DOCTOR’S OFFICE
KYAN and TEAL’C sit next to each other. KYAN is also wearing a tanktop; the two men are playing a pretty fierce game of Duelling Hot Shoulders and Biceps. Viewers salivate. KYAN speaks in his “I’m talking like I’m in a library to show I’m sensitive to your issues” voice. TEAL’C is not wearing his baseball cap.
KYAN
Now, I understand you’ve had that scar on your forehead for quite a long time.
TEAL’C
Yes. It was a symbol of the… group I fought with.
KYAN
That scar is something that’s very distinct about you, but I get the impression from the hats you wear that it also makes you uncomfortable.
TEAL’C reaches up to touch the brand, then stops just before his fingers brush against it
TEAL’C
It shows very distinctly that I am very different from other people here. People who do not know me often stare.
DR. MALCOLM WALSH enters.
KYAN
Dr. Malcolm Walsh is an excellent plastic surgeon. He’s going to talk to you about your options.
Montage: DR. WALSH looks over TEAL’C’s scar.
DR. WALSH
I’ve developed a new technique that uses lasers. I can’t get rid of your scar entirely, but with a combination of lasers and silicone sheets, I can reduce it to a point where it is much more subtle.
(Off TEALC’s face. He looks interested.)
It would take a series of treatments, but I think you’d see a big difference.
EXT. YOUR BASIC COLORADO RESORT TOWN YUPPIE GROCERY STORE - DAY
TED
Now, I understand you’ve never really cooked before, so for this dinner for your friends, most of the stuff is gonna be catered. But I wanted you to make something yourself for dessert, and since you’re a guy who’s no stranger to peril, I thought we’d make something that has very simple ingredients, but includes an element of danger.
TEAL’C
I have heard of your fugu - the fish that are poisonous if not prepared properly.
TED
Not THAT dangerous, big guy. I’m just talking about something that involves a little bit of fire.
They enter the grocery store. TED is talking as fast as a chipmunk on crystal meth (as per usual).
TED
Now, the important thing when you’re making dessert is the ingredients - they’ll make or break your food.
They walk to the ice cream section. TED continues. It’s a good thing TEAL’C is a quiet guy.
TED
A lot of people think that vanilla ice cream is dull, but it’s probably because they’ve had cheap, fake vanilla. Real vanilla comes from...
TEAL’C
It is an edible orchid, is it not?
TED
(Actually pausing, for once)
Yes. Exactly! It’s one of the most expensive ingredients in the world, because it takes three years to grow one pod. It was also known as an aphrodisiac to the Spanish.
Thousands of fan girls fantasize about TEAL’C and DANIEL dripping vanilla ice cream on each other and licking it off.
TED
One of the best vanilla ice creams is actually Bryer’s All Natural. You can taste the vanilla in it.
Montage: TEAL’C and TED look at food. TED talks, and TEAL’C nods in that way he has that makes you think he’s taking it all in, but he’s actually probably thinking of how he’d defend himself if an attack came from all four sides.
EXT. GROCERY STORE - DAY
JAI is waiting.
TED
Now we’re going to walk with Jai, who has diabolical plans for you.
JAI
(With a little smile.)
Come on, Murray. Let’s walk.
The three of them walk down the street and up the stairs to an empty dance studio, where CARSON is waiting.
JAI
Now, Murray, you come from a culture that is obviously very different from the one you’re in now.
TEAL’C
Extremely.
JAI
I get that. My family is
(JAI goes into his “downtown” voice and stance)
Puerto Rican, an’ you know, growin’ up in da barrio is real different from
(JAI slips into his “refined” attitude)
interacting with directors and writers. Each of them requires a slightly different persona. I’m the same person inside, but I change the way I talk a little in order to make the people around me more comfortable. Now, Murray, you’re kind of an... imposing guy.
CARSON
And your small talk is a little too small... like nonexistent.
TEAL’C
Conversation is useful to impart information. I do not understand the purpose of “talking diminutively.”
JAI
Small talk is a way to make other people feel comfortable, and also to make them feel like you care about them. You’re very direct, and while that’s good in a military situation, it can make people feel a little uneasy in a social situation. In our culture, being terse with someone sends a message that you don’t want them around.
TEAL’C
I had not considered that possibility.
JAI
Well, there’s a few ways you can change that. You might start by asking people open-ended questions about their jobs or hobbies. Small-talk conversations are definitely NOT the place to discuss religion or politics, ’cause those are topics that people tend to be both passionate and divided about. And…
(JAI gets that “little boy” grin on his face)
Just so you can get in the swing of things, we thought we’d do a little role play, which is why Carson and Ted are here. They’re going to play different kinds of people, so you can practice your small talk.
TEAL’C
(Squaring his shoulders)
I will endeavor to accomplish this to the best of my abilities, Jai.
CARSON
You’re supposed to pretend you’re going to a social event, not into a pitched battle.
JAI
Let’s start by relaxing a little bit. Take a deep breath…
JAI and TEAL’C take deep breaths.
JAI
Shake out some tension…
JAI bounces a little, and shakes his shoulders out. TEAL’C does something similar, but it’s with military precision.
JAI
Okay. The first thing is, when you go to greet someone, you should smile.
JAI reaches his hand out for a handshake, and smiles.
JAI
Hi, I’m Jai. It’s nice to meet you! How are you enjoying the party?
TEAL’C smiles back. It looks somewhat menacing.
JAI
Okay, that’s a start. But if I ask you a question like that, you should respond, and in a way that gives the other person an opening to continue the conversation. See, conversation is like playing a game. It’s like I have the ball, and I throw it to you. If your answer isn’t something that I can really respond to, it’s like you’re not throwing the ball back to me.
TEAL’C
(Looking just slightly confused)
If my response is incorrect, it is as if I am holding the ball and you must take it back by force?
JAI
You got it. Or the person may decide to find someone else to play ball with.
TEAL’C
This is all EXTREMELY interesting.
JAI
So, you ready to practice?
TEAL’C gives a brief nod.
JAI
Why don’t you go introduce yourself to Carson?
Montage: TEAL’C goes between the Fab 3, working on his social skills. The boys, in return, take on different characters, and JAI calls out coaching comments throughout. At one point, TEAL’C even…laughs!
JAI
Okay. I think that’s a good start. Let’s head home so you can see what Thom did to your place.
On screen: Shot of TEAL’C opening the door to his quarters. Text over: COMING UP
TEAL’C
(Both eyebrows are raised)
Thom, this is most impressive!