Queer Eye for the SG-1
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Queer Eye for the SG-1
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Back to the show. It’s our “Talk Trash” segment, where they get the victim... er, straight guy’s... friends to talk about him in front of a plain white background.
O’NEILL
Teal’c believes in small talk.
(Beat.)
VERY small talk.
BRA’TAC
Teal’c is a great warrior, strong and fiercely loyal.
CARTER
He gets things done without a lot of chatter.
BRA’TAC
But he is sometimes …
(brief pause)
difficult to converse with.
O’NEILL
Microscopic talk.
DANIEL
Well, Teal’c...he’s from a very different culture. They don’t see the need to make people comfortable through conversation — their goal when they converse is to use it as a means to an end.
O’NEILL
In fact, I think some might call it subatomic talk.
(Beat. Leans forward.)
It’s not detectable by any technology we currently have.
HAMMOND
I order you to help this soldier.
INT. HALLWAY
CARSON, TED and JAI are leading TEAL’C down the hall. They cover his eyes.
CARSON
Just wait until you see what Thom did.
The door opens. They uncover his eyes. TEAL’C’s jaw drops in surprise. Shot of the room. It is done in a somewhat bohemian/Egyptian style. It still has many candles, but has lost the military style in favor of something more Middle Eastern.
TEAL’C
(Both eyebrows are raised.)
Thom, this is most impressive!
THOM
I wanted to take something that you were interested in and use it as the basis for the whole room. The military thing was efficient, but it didn’t look like home. Besides the candles, there didn’t seem to be much of your personality here.
TEAL’C
This...this is...I am very surprised.
CARSON
(Patting him on the shoulder)
Murray, you’re so emotive it brings a tear to my eye.
THOM
Since you’re in such a small space, I tried to make sure everything did double-duty. I’ve put some drawers here under your bed so you can have a place to store things. And this cabinet here…
He walks over to a cabinet that is in a very dark wood, with a rustic, rough-hewn look. He opens the doors.
THOM
See, you’ve got shelves to put anything you need to work with, and then this one pulls out…
He pulls.
THOM
And it becomes a desk! You can just pull this side chair over so you can work here, and when you don’t want to work, it’s gone.
The camera pans around the room.
THOM
With all the extra space we created, I squeezed in a table for you.
There’s a low table next to the wall.
THOM
You can pull it out when you have people over, and fold up the leaf and put it off to the side when you don’t need it. I also got these ottomans — they’re great for extra seating, and you can just slide them under the bed when you don’t need them.
And now, the part of the show where the straight guy gets a lecture from each of Our Heroes.
INT. THE BATHROOM
KYAN
It’s obvious that you take great care of yourself. You’re in phenomenal shape, and you’re aging really well. But you’re not going to stay that way forever. Now would be a good time to start using product to keep the tone you have.
Pulls out little tubes
KYAN
Now, these are a lot of products from Kiehl’s. They’re a very old skin-care company, and they make great stuff.
Puts the first tube next to the sink.
KYAN
This facial soap is much less harsh than the Ivory soap you’ve been using. It will keep your face clean without drying out your skin. You should use it every morning. The skin on the top of your head is also a lot closer in texture to the skin on your face than to your skin everywhere else. It’s much more delicate. You should use this in the shower to wash your head, instead of Ivory soap.
Puts out the next tube.
KYAN
This is a really light moisturizer. Put it on after you shave. It will keep your skin from aging.
At this point, TEAL’C looks a little alarmed.
KYAN
It’s a pretty easy regimen, and it’s a good way to keep yourself looking young.
INT. TEAL’C’S ROOM
It’s fashion-show time!
CARSON
So, I picked out a bunch of things that you can wear when you’re off duty. We saw from looking through your closet that you weren’t afraid of color.
THOM
Or polyester.
CARSON
Which I’m terrified of. What we have here are things in cotton and linen — things that will breathe and be a little more comfortable for you.
Montage: TEAL’C tries on several outfits. There’s the casual wear of a more traditional muscle shirt (as opposed to a tank top) with jeans and a pair of low brown boots; a blue and white boldly patterned shirt, with sleeves that are appropriately zhuzhed, and white cotton pants; a deep red knit shirt that tightly hugs TEAL’C’s torso, along with some brown tailored pants and shiny loafers.
CARSON
So, see, you’ve still got your color, but in a way that’s much more attractive and shows off your assets.
THOM
I think those jeans really showed off his “ass-ets”.
CARSON
Murray, how do you feel about these outfits?
TEAL’C
They seem comfortable and sturdy.
(Quickly, off Carson’s annoyed look.)
And very attractive.
CARSON
(patting TEAL’C on the shoulder)
Look! You’ve had your first lesson in aesthetic appreciation!
CUT TO:
INT. TEAL’C’S BEDROOM
A few minutes later. TEAL’C and JAI are sitting on TEAL’C’s bed.
JAI
Now, we did a lot of role-playing today to learn about things like small talk and how to make people feel more comfortable. It’s something that’s gonna take a lot of practice before it feels really natural, though.
TEAL’C
I wish for my companions to feel more comfortable with me, and to feel as if I have an interest in them. I want them to be able to take their hair off when they are around me.
JAI
(Smiling)
The phrase we use is actually “let your hair down”. But I brought you something I think will help you out with all of this.
He picks up two books from the night table.
JAI
This is “Loose Cannons, Red Herrings and Other Lost Metaphors”. This other book is “Heavens to Betsy and Other Curious Sayings.” It’s by Charles Funk, who was the editor of the Funk and Wagnalls dictionary. Both of them tell you what all those phrases we use mean, and it also tells you where they come from. I think if you learned where they come from, they might be easier for you to remember.
TEAL’C
(Taking the books.)
Thank you, Jai. I will study these carefully.
INT. A kitchen.
Somewhat industrial-looking, probably a smaller kitchen on the base. TEAL’C is standing with TED.
TED
Now, I wanted you to make something for dessert that was simple, but also had an element of danger to it. Bananas Foster is a traditional New Orleans dessert, and it’s not tough to make, but it looks really impressive. And it involves fire, which looking around your room seems to be something that you like. You ready to try it?
TEAL’C
(Nodding)
I am ready to learn from you, Ted.
TED
Okay, great. What you’re gonna do is put a quarter stick of butter, a cup of brown sugar, and a half teaspoon of cinnamon in this skillet here.
Puts them in.
TED
Next, we put it over low heat. We’re doing this over the stove, but when you do it for your friends, you can use one of those little Sterno cans that the military gives you and cook it at the dining room table. Now, we stir this until the butter melts and the sugar dissolves.
Pours in fluid from a mysterious bottle.
TED
Next we toss in some of this banana liqueur we bought earlier, and toss some bananas into the pan.
He places sliced bananas around the edge of the pan.
TED
After a minute, the banana will start to turn brown, and that’s when you want to throw in your rum. Now, you gotta be careful with this stuff. If you pour it outside the pan, you could wind up with a pretty nasty explosion.
TEAL’C
(Looking impressed)
I was not aware that your culture cooked with explosives.
TED
Really, it’s just a New Orleans thing.
TEAL’C
The people of this New Orleans must be mighty warriors indeed.
TED
I think they’re just too drunk to realize the danger.
TED pours the rum into the pan.
TED
We cook the sauce for a minute while the rum heats up. Now, here’s the cool part.
TEAL’C leans over the pan, watching.
TED
You’re gonna want to back off for this.
TEAL’C takes a step back. TED tilts the pan a little, and… FOOM! A giant gout of flame leaps up from the pan. TEAL’C rocks back a little on his heels. He is impressed enough that he is raising both eyebrows. He’s having an emotive day.
TEAL’C
That is a dish I will be proud to prepare.
TED
Glad you like it. Once the fire goes out, we just use our spatula to put a couple of bananas on top of the ice cream here…
He puts the bananas on top of pre-prepared dishes of vanilla ice cream.
TED
And then we spoon the sauce over everything. It’s absolutely DELICIOUS. It’s not hard to make, but your friends are gonna be astounded by it. And speaking of people we should astound…
He turns to call out.
TED
Hey, guys! Get in here!
CARSON, THOM, KYAN and JAI enter. TED hands everyone dessert. There is lots of “mmm”ing over the Bananas Foster.
TEAL’C
All of you have given me great assistance today. I have learned a great deal about many things, and I thank you very much for sharing your knowledge with me.
He does a little half-bow.
TEAL’C
I am in your debt.
THOM
Wow, Murray. That was really…verbose for you!
CARSON
Our little Murray has started talking. I think I’m gonna cry.
TED
Well, you can do it in the car, because we need to get moving if he’s gonna get everything ready for his friends tonight.
Much handshaking of TEAL’C’s grasping-forearm variety and wishing of luck. The Fab 5 depart, and TEAL’C looks around himself for a moment, and squares his shoulders.