Queer Eye for the SG-1
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The Final Test

INT. THE FAB LOFT

TED has just mixed up some swirly cocktails, and the rest of the boys are entering through the Fab Freight Elevator. The drinks are blue and wavey, and look a bit like the Stargate when it’s active.

CARSON

Let’s see if our little soldier graduated from Gay Boot Camp.

KYAN

That reminds me, who loved his footwear?

JAI and CARSON raise their hands and nod. TED and THOM look at each other and shrug.

They all settle on the couch to watch TEAL’C on the Fab …okay, on the Very Big TV. TEAL’C is getting undressed and preparing to hop in the shower. The camera gets a shot of him naked, from behind.

KYAN

That man has some very impressive lats.

JAI

He’s got very impressive everything. They grow ‘em big where he came from.

TEAL’C comes out of the shower and commits QE Cardinal Sin #8: dry-shaving. The Fab Five groan.

THOM

What is he thinking?

CARSON

Oh, no, Murray, what are you doing?

KYAN

(Wincing.)

We talked about this.

(To the TV)

Your skin doesn’t care how macho you are!

JAI

Well, at least he doesn’t have much hair to shave.

KYAN

Still…he does that every day? He must have some amazing healing powers for his skin to look that good.

TEAL’C puts on moisturizer.

KYAN

At least he’s using the product. That’s something.

TEAL’C comes out in a towel and begins selecting clothes for the evening.

THOM

Um, Ted, should he be changing now?

TED

Yeah, it’s OK, as long as he’s careful. Everything is being delivered by a catering company except dessert, and he’s making that at the table.

TEAL’C picks out a blue shirt with greenish-grey textured striping and jeans.

CARSON

Good. That’s a great choice. It looks a little dressed up, but casual enough for just a few friends.

Just as TEAL’C meticulously zhuzhes his sleeves, there’s a knock at the door. It’s a soldier, with a delivery of catered food, and some dishes and silverware on a cart, as well as an alcohol burner and a sautee pan.

KYAN

Room service?

THOM

That’s it, boys, I’m enlisting.

TEAL’C sets the table quickly, putting the food on platters and leaving the cart outside. It’s Middle Eastern — a lot of finger food.

JAI

Let’s hear it for military efficiency.

There is a knock at the door. TEAL’C opens it. It’s SAMANTHA CARTER.

TEAL’C

Good evening, Major Carter. Please, come in.

She walks in.

CARTER

(A little awkward.)

Thank you, Teal’c. And thanks for having us over for dinner. It’s very…um…nice of you. And…wow! Your place looks great!

JAI

(hands folded as if he’s praying, staring avidly at the TV)

Oh, please, say something, Murray, say something…

TEAL’C

I know you have been working for several days on the flux inhibitor you discovered recently. How has your research come along?

JAI

(punching his fists in the air)

YES! That is one open-ended question!

CARTER

Oh! Well, it’s been really interesting. I’ve been trying to reverse-engineer it, because the technology isn’t entirely familiar.

CARTER descends into tech-babble.

THOM

Do you understand a word she’s saying?

CARSON

Does HE understand a word she’s saying?

JAI

(still staring at the TV)

Guys, it doesn’t matter. He looks interested, and that’s what counts. And look at her. She’s glowing! I bet no one asks her to talk about her work much.

Another knock. It’s DANIEL JACKSON and COLONEL O’NEILL.

TEAL’C

Daniel Jackson. Colonel O’Neill. Thank you for joining us.

O’NEILL

Yeah, well, free food.

(Looks around)

I like what you’ve done with the place.

DANIEL

Teal’c, this is really… nice! It seems really… you. Only… well, a lot of your personality seems to be showing through, and that’s not usually… you.

THOM

You think he’s had a lot of therapy? Next he’ll be congratulating Murray on his actualization skills.

CARSON

He’s cute as a button.

(Off THOM’s look.)

He is! He can drop and give me twenty, any day.

TEAL’C

I believe it was time for me to make a change. I had not realized that one could use one’s personal appearance or decoration as an extension of one’s personality. I feel that the Fab Five have helped me take things to the next level.

DANIEL looks a little taken aback.

JAI

(thrilled)

He’s been studying that book of clichés!

KYAN

They are really not used to seeing him like this. They’re sort of trying to catch up to the new Murray.

O’NEILL

See? I told you I didn’t have to feel guilty for turning him in. What’s with your sleeves, Teal’c?

TEAL’C

They are

(beat)

zhuzhed.

O’NEILL tilts his head and squints one eye.

O’NEILL

Carter?

CARTER

I don’t…

DANIEL

It’s a term for making something more aesthetically pleasing or fashionable, especially popular in the gay community. It was originally used to refer to the act of styling one’s hair, but now it’s used for any small changes in appearance.

O’NEILL, CARTER and TEAL’C look at DANIEL’S sleeves, which are, of course, zhuzhed. O’NEILL gives him a “goddamn metrosexual” look.

DANIEL

What?

(beat)

I am the linguist here.

CARSON (V.O.)

You can’t fool us, sweetie.

O’NEILL nods and sweeps his arm towards the table.Everyone sits down for dinner. Montage. It is obvious that things are going well.

JAI

Look at the way he’s drawing them out! They all seem a little surprised by it.

TED

And he’s having fun flustering them. I think he does have a sense of humor, after all. It’s just very… subtle.

TEAL’C stands up at the end of the table to begin cooking the Bananas Foster.

TEAL’C

Ted advised me to cook a dessert that was somewhat dangerous. I would advise you all to step back from the table.

CARTER, O’NEILL and DANIEL take two steps back.

THOM

Uh, how dangerous is this?

TED

Oh, not hugely. I think he’s enjoying showing off.

TEAL’C begins mixing together the ingredients. He stirs in the sugar, the butter and the cinnamon.

DANIEL

(To O’NEILL)

I think the charred salmon incident is about to fade into obscurity.

TEAL’C pours on the banana liqueur.

O’NEILL

Hey, wild salmon can be deadly.

TEAL’C adds the banana slices.

DANIEL

Jack, you threw a line in the water and fell asleep. Besides, I’m talking about your “curtain flambé.”

O’NEILL

(Glaring at him across the table)

Daniel.

DANIEL

Jack.

O’NEILL:

(Gritting his teeth. Sotto.)

Daniel, not now. We’re here for Teal’c.

JAI

Hey, guys, don’t they remind you a little of the characters on that show, “Wormhole X-Treme?” There’s the nerdy guy, the short macho guy, the smart chick…

CARSON

Yeah, but that makes Murray the robot.

TED

Actually, those two remind me of my husband and I.

The other four look at him for a moment, thinking about it, and then nod in unison.

ZOOM to the TV as TEAL’C pours in the rum. It’s rather a lot more than TED used.

TED

Um, guys? This just got a lot more dangerous.

CARSON

Oh, no.

THOM

Is he going to light his room on fire?

TED

Probably not. But it’s a good thing he’s already bald.

JAI

(Covering his face)

I can’t look.

TEAL’C swirls the rum around a few times, and then tilts the pan. FOOOOOOOM! A big fireball shoots up from the pan and disappears in midair.

JAI

(Peeking between his fingers)

Are they OK?

With a smile, TEAL’C spoons out the bananas into the bowls of ice cream, and then spoons in the sauce.

CARTER

Wow, Teal’c, I’m going to have to have dinner with you more often!

The giant TV turns off.

KYAN

He really does know how to follow orders. The only big mistake was the dry-shaving thing, and we didn’t really go into detail about that.

TED

And there was the thing with the Bananas Foster…

JAI

I think he might have done that on purpose.

THOM

You think?

JAI

Well, we talked about how he seems to like throwing people a little off-balance. He knew we were watching. I think that was for our benefit.

CARSON

That girl he had there seemed kind of interested, when he started asking her questions. Do you think there was a little spark there?

KYAN

She did say she wanted to have dinner with him more often — and I don’t think it was just the food.

JAI

So, what do you guys think?

TED, THOM, CARSON, KYAN

Mission accomplished!

Shot of their glasses, all clinking together.

Tafkar lives in Boston. Of this piece, she says “I own neither Stargate nor Queer Eye. Heck, I don’t even rent them. I just took them out for coffee, or something. Although if someone can send the Fab Five over to redo me and my house, and then send over Teal’c and Daniel, shirtless, to feed me peeled grapes, that would be OK.” She welcomes feedback on this crossover.