The Wicked-Short Silmarillion
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The Wicked-Short Silmarillion
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To recap the previous stuff: Feanor’s made Silmarils, Melkor wants them, and now everyone in Valinor is suspicious of everyone else. But that didn’t all happen overnight; it took thousands of years. Which is no problem, since everyone involved is immortal. But what’s been happening back in Beleriand in the meantime?
EXT. BELERIAND - NIGHT
NARRATOR
Remember, it’s always night in Beleriand, and everywhere else in Middle-earth, because there aren’t any Sun or Moon yet. Starlight is all they’ve got.
ELWE
Remember me? I used to be king of the Teleri, until I got lost and fell in love with Melian. Now I’m the king of the Sindar, and usually called Thingol. And sometimes Singollo. Or Grey-cloak.
MELIAN
(Gives birth to Lúthien.)
EVERYONE WHO SEES LÚTHIEN
Damn, dat be one fine babe. She’s like, the hottest hotness ever seen in Middle-earth! Woo!
A THOUSAND OR SO YEARS
(Pass.)
DWARVES
(Come wandering over the Blue Mountains into Beleriand.)
Hi there. Who are you people?
SINDAR
We’re Elves. Who are you, and how come you’re all so short and hairy?
DWARVES
Hmph. We’re a hell of a lot better than you at working iron and stone. We can build mighty halls!
MELIAN
Honey, we could really use a castle.
ELWE/THINGOL/ETC.
WTF? I just bought you loads of jewels and other stuff. Now you want a friggin’ palace?
MELIAN
No, dear. Think “fortress”. Trust me on this. Remember, I’m really good at that whole foresight-and-prophecy thing?
ELWE/THINGOL/ETC.
Oh. Gotcha. Hey, Dwarves, what would I have to pay you folks to build me a fortress?
DWARVES
How about that ginormous pearl you got there?
ELWE/THINGOL/ETC.
Deal.
DWARVES
(Build mighty fortress for Thingol, mostly underground and called Menegroth, or “The Thousand Caves”.)
ELWE/THINGOL/ETC.
(Pays them the ginormous pearl, named Nimphelos. Yes, the pearl has a name. What, like the Hope Diamond doesn’t?)
MELIAN
(Promptly re-decorates the place.)
A THOUSAND OR SO MORE YEARS
(Pass.)
DWARVES
Yo, Thingol. We’ve noticed there’s a lot of nasty monsters roaming around. Including these ugly-ass new critters, called “Orcs”.
ELWE/THINGOL/ETC.
Yuck. I’ll have my folks start making weapons. Thanks for the tip.
A FEW MORE YEARS
(Pass.)
NANDOR
(Enter Beleriand from the south-east.)
Hi, remember us? We’re those folks who didn’t want to go over the Misty Mountains. We’ve been wandering around for a few thousand years, and now we’re trying to find someplace that hasn’t got monsters, wolves, and Orcs crawling all over it. Our current king is a guy named Denethor.
DENETHOR
Absolutely no relation to the nut-job who’ll be running Gondor during the War of the Ring. For one thing, he’s human, and I’m an Elf.
ELWE/THINGOL/ETC.
Well, as long as you’re not related to that weirdo, you and your people can stay here. How about over there in Ossiriand, the south-eastern part of Beleriand?
DENETHOR
Looks groovy. Thanks, dudes.
EXT. MIDDLE OF NOWHERE - NIGHT
UNGOLIANT
Hi. I’m Ungoliant, a giant spider creature. I’m Shelob’s great-great-great-great-grandmother. Plus or minus a few “great”s; hey, who’s counting? I’m big and nasty and have eight legs and a poisonous stinger, and I’m really hungry.
MELKOR
(Enters, stage right.)
Hi. Wanna help me fuck up Valinor?
UNGOLIANT
Will I get to eat stuff?
MELKOR
Yeah, I’m gonna be stealing a load of gems. You can eat them. Plus you can poison a couple of trees for me.
UNGOLIANT
Let’s rock.
EXT. VALINOR - DAY TREE-LIGHT
MANWE
So, things are looking up. We’ve gotten Melkor out of here, and Tulkas and Orome are both chasing him. Party time!
FINWE
If you don’t mind, I’ll sit this one out. You go and have fun, Feanor.
FEANOR
(Goes to party, along with everyone else in Valinor.)
INT. PARTY HALL - DAY TREE-LIGHT
FINGOLFIN
Feanor! Glad you could make it.
FEANOR
...
FINGOLFIN
No, really. I forgive you for that thing with the sword.
FEANOR
Really?
FINGOLFIN
Honest. And you’re the elder brother; I don’t want to lead the Noldor.
FEANOR and FINGOLFIN
(Shake hands.)
AUDIENCE
Awwwww!
EXT. VALINOR - DAY TREE-LIGHT
MELKOR and UNGOLIANT
(Sneak in, creep up to the Two Trees.)
MELKOR
(Cuts Trees open.)
UNGOLIANT
(Drinks out all their sap, then poisons what’s left.)
TWO TREES
(Wither. Die.)
MELKOR
(Sneaks up to Feanor’s house.)
FINWE
Yo, asswipe! What do you think you’re doing here?
MELKOR
(Stabs Finwe.)
FINWE
Ack!
(Dies.)
MELKOR
(Steals every gem in sight, including Silmarils.)
Ouch! These Silmarils are hot or something...
UNGOLIANT
Whatever. Let’s boogie.
MELKOR and UNGOLIANT
(Scram.)
EVERYONE IN VALINOR
AAAAAAGGGHH! Where did all the light go!?!?!
YAVANNA and NIENNA
Our Trees! WTF?
THE TREES
(Have little tongues sticking out and X’s for eyes.)
MANWE
Okay, this sucks.
AULE
Dude, this sucks big donkey dick.
MANWE
Aight. But let’s get a grip. Yavanna, Nienna, you built these things in the first place. Can you fix ’em?
YAVANNA
No. Except... maybe... hmmm...
EVERYONE
Spit it out!
YAVANNA
If we could take the light from one of the Silmarils... with that, we could revive the Trees.
EVERYONE
(Looks at Feanor.)
FEANOR
No. Uh-uh. They’re mine. I made them. You can’t have ’em.
ELF #53
(Enters.)
Hey, I just came from Formenos, and I got some bad news. Melkor was there. Feanor, he broke into your house. And stole all your jewels.
FEANOR
What?!? Including the...
ELF #53
Yeah, including the Silmarils. Oh, and he killed your dad, too.
FEANOR
(Goes ballistic.)
MELKOR!!! I KILL YOU!!! I name you “Morgoth”, the Black Enemy! I hunt you down and I KILL YOU FILTHY DEAD!
(Exits.)
ALL THE ELVES
(Call Melkor “Morgoth” for the rest of time, and never speak the name “Melkor” again.)
AULE
Man, this sucks big, sucktastic donkey dick.
EXT. BELERIAND, NEAR ANGBAND - NIGHT
MORGOTH and UNGOLIANT
(Enter, stage left. Ungoliant is big and menacing.)
UNGOLIANT
I’m still hungry.
MORGOTH
You’ve got to be kidding! After drinking up everything in those huge-ass trees?
UNGOLIANT
Hell, yeah. Feed me.
MORGOTH
Um... yikes. Okay, here’s a shitpile of gems I grabbed from Feanor’s house.
UNGOLIANT
(Devours gems.)
I’m still hungry. More.
(Is now huge and menacing.)
MORGOTH
Um, I think that’s enough, don’t you?
UNGOLIANT
No! You got something else there, in that box in your right hand! Give it up, or else!
(Looms ominously.)
MORGOTH
(Screams.)
INT. ANGBAND - NIGHT
SAURON
Hey, I know that scream! The boss is in trouble! Yo, folks, let’s saddle up.
EXT. BELERIAND, NEAR ANGBAND - NIGHT
MORGOTH
Look, you really don’t want to eat me. And you don’t want to eat these gems, either. They’re like, radioactive or something; they’d give you indigestion.
UNGOLIANT
Fuck that noise. I’m gonna eat you, and the gems, and then I’m gonna eat the whole rest of creation!
SAURON
(Arrives with a host of Balrogs, lays the smackdown on Ungoliant.)
UNGOLIANT
(Runs away and hides in a dank forest beneath a cliff. Breeds lots of spider children there. The area later gets named Nan Dungortheb, meaning “The Valley of Dreadful Death.” I’m not kidding. You can look it up in the index in the back of The Silmarillion.)
SAURON
Boss, that’s one big-ass spider. Glad I got here in time.
MORGOTH
No shit. You think you’re glad? We’re gonna need to beef up Angband, ‘cause I’ve been racking up enemies.
MORGOTH
(Goes back to Angband, beefs the place up, and puts three mountains on top of it, called Thangorodrim, “the Mountains of Tyranny”. Forges himself an iron crown, with the three Silmarils set in it so he doesn’t have to touch them.)