The Wicked-Short Silmarillion
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The Wicked-Short Silmarillion
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NARRATOR
Now that Morgoth has managed to escape with the Silmarils and keep from getting eaten in the process, let’s see how the Elves are managing over in Valinor, where they’re experiencing the world’s first power blackout.
EXT. TIRION - NIGHT
The scene is lit by flickering torchlight, turning everyone’s faces a bloody red.
FEANOR
Yo, listen up, everyone! I got something to say!
NOLDO #74
Woah, it’s Feanor! Isn’t he still banned from Tirion?
NOLDO #75
Yeah. This ought to be interesting. The Valar ain’t gonna like this.
FEANOR
The situation here in Valinor bites. The light’s all gone, the Valar can’t protect us, and besides, Morgoth is one of the Valar. Screw this place; let’s go back to Cuiviénen, the Waters of Awakening. Let’s build ourselves a city there, and wage war on Morgoth, and get the Silmarils back!
CROWD
Yeah!
FEANOR and HIS SONS
(All draw their swords.)
We swear, on Ilúvatar Himself, to pursue unto the ends of the world with everlasting hatred and vengeance, any creature that tries to keep a Silmaril from us! And may the Everlasting Darkness take us if we fail in our oath!
CROWD
Umm... that’s a pretty reckless oath, don’t you think? But we’ll still go back to Middle-earth.
FEANOR
Right, well let’s get a move on, then!
A FEW OF THE NOLDOR
Screw it, we’re staying here.
A BUNCH OF THE NOLDOR
You know, Feanor’s kind of losing it. Why don’t we follow Fingolfin, instead? Or his brother, Finarfin?
FINARFIN
Heck, I’m going along with Fingolfin. In fact, I’ve got a bad feeling about this whole thing.
THE NOLDOR
(Start leaving, in two groups. Feanor’s crew are in the front, hustling everyone along impatiently. Fingolfin’s crowd are trailing behind.)
EONWE
I’m Manwe’s herald. I come bearing a message from Manwe.
FEANOR
And your message is... ?
EONWE
This is a really bad idea. Feanor, you’re fucking up big-time, and the Valar will not send you any help, no matter how much you might need it later. And you’re gonna need it, because Morgoth is another Vala, and he’s way too powerful for you to take down.
FEANOR
Too bad. I got an oath to fulfill, buddy. I’m outta here.
ALL EXCEPT A FEW OF THE NOLDOR
We’re with him. To varying degrees.
EONWE
You idiots.
THE NOLDOR
(Exit through the Calacirya.)
EXT. ALQUALONDE - NIGHT
The Teleri are sitting around on the oh-so-glittery beach, enjoying the starlight and sailing their swan-boats around.
FEANOR’S CREW
(Enter.)
FINGOLFIN’S CREW
(Are still trudging through the Calacirya. They’ll get here soon.)
FEANOR
Hey, guys. How’d you like to come with us back to Middle-earth?
THE TELERI
Forget it. You’re making a big mistake, and we don’t want any part of it.
FEANOR
Well, howzabout you lend us all your nifty boats? We’re gonna need those.
THE TELERI
Howzabout, fuck no? To quote a certain rash, hotheaded Noldo, “They’re ours. We made them. You can’t have ‘em.”
FEANOR
Fine, then we’ll just have to take them.
FEANOR’S CREW
(Attack the Teleri.)
THE TELERI
(Fight back.)
FINGOLFIN’S CREW
(Enter.)
Holy shit, the Teleri are attacking our homies!
(Attack the Teleri.)
THE TELERI
(Die.)
ALL THE NOLDOR
(Take the ships and sail up the coast.)
EXT. NORTH OF ALQUALONDE - NIGHT
NOLDO #43
Who’s that tall and spooky figure ahead of us?
NOLDO #68
Spooky? Must be Mandos, Hands of Fate.
MANDOS
Listen up, I got a prophecy for all you misguided morons. You’re gonna regret this. Big-time. Once you leave this continent, the Valar are shutting y’all out. Nobody gets back in. Don’t bother calling; we ain’t picking up the phone. And since you’ve just slaughtered your own kin, life is gonna suck for you. Everything you try to do because of your stupid-ass oath is going to turn out wrong.
FINARFIN
Screw this. I’m turning back. Kids, you wanna come with me?
FINROD, ORODRETH, ANGROD, and AEGNOR
Sorry, no. We like Fingolfin and his kids too much.
GALADRIEL
And plus, I want a country of my own to rule. I ain’t gonna get that back in Valinor.
FINARFIN
Fine. Good luck. Goodbye.
(Turns back to Valinor, doesn’t enter this story again.)
ALL THE OTHER NOLDOR
(Trudge and sail onwards up the coast.)
EXT. HELCARAXE - NIGHT
AUDIENCE
Okay, what the hell is a “Helcaraxe”?
NARRATOR
Glad you asked. It means “Grinding Ice”, and it’s sort of a narrow strait in the northern part of the world, where the continent that Valinor’s on comes closest to Middle-earth. Sort of like the Bering Strait, but wider. And full of ice floes and crap. So the Noldor are effectively standing in Siberia, trying to figure out how to get over to Alaska.
NOLDOR
That’s pretty nasty-looking. We can’t walk across that.
FEANOR
Yeah, that’s why I made sure to pick up these boats from the Teleri.
FINGOLFIN
Yeah, but we can’t all of us fit in the boats at once.
FEANOR
No problem. We’ll go across in shifts. I’ll take the first crossing, unload my people, then send the boats back with a skeleton crew for you.
FINGOLFIN
No worries, bro. Me and mine’ll be waiting right here.
FEANOR
(Aside)
Half-bro.
FEANOR AND HIS CREW
(Hop in the swan-boats, sail to Middle-earth.)
EXT. COAST OF BELERIAND - NIGHT
FEANOR AND COMPANY
(Sail up in their boats, get out.)
MAEDHROS
So, Dad, who are we going to send back to pick up Fingolfin’s crew?
FEANOR
Nobody. Burn those suckers.
MAEDHROS
I want no part of this.
EVERYONE ELSE
(Burns the boats.)
EXT. HELCARAXE - NIGHT
FINGOLFIN
Hey, what’s that huge fiery light, way over there?
GALADRIEL
Bite me! I think it’s the boats Feanor took with him.
FINGOLFIN
Mother fucker! But wait, if we can see the light from that fire, then it can’t be all that far away, can it?
GALADRIEL
Except you’re forgetting, the world is still flat. It won’t become round until nearly the end of the Second Age. So there’s no horizon. So we can see the light from those boats burning a few thousand miles away.
FINGOLFIN
Holy crap, could this situation possibly get any worse?
NOLDO #47
Hey, I think I discovered frostbite!
NOLDO #22
And I’ve invented a new word: hypothermia!
GALADRIEL
Fingolfin, did you really need to ask that question?
FINGOLFIN
You know, Galadriel, I’ve discovered something, too. A deep and abiding desire to choke the living shit out of Feanor, the moment I get my hands on him.
GALADRIEL
I can get behind that. How do we get across this crap without boats?
FINGOLFIN
Hey, we’re the Noldor. If we can’t MacGyver something together, nobody can.
GALADRIEL
Yo! Anyone here got any chewing gum, or duct tape?